I’ll never let you see


Yesterday ended with me crying and upset.  Just as we were leaving both babies were wide awake.  I wanted to stay with them and enjoy them being awake but I knew that really I should go as I was so exhausted from the events of the day.  It broke my heart though that I could not stay and be with my babies.  That I had to leave them in the care of someone else.  It was awful and I cried all the way home.

Today I woke up feeling sad.  All that now stands between us and home is getting feeding established.  I feel that all the responsibility now lies with me and yet there is nothing I can really do.  I just feel useless!  I am not expressing as much as I should be in case the babies wake for feeding.  I am just fed up with the whole thing!

I hurt David’s feelings this morning.  I was winding Esther mid feed and David wanted to have a go, so I gave Esther to him but then realised that passing her between us while trying to establish feeding is really not such a good idea.  I wanted to just quickly wind her and try her again at the breast.  I got so upset about it and then upset David.  I feel terrible and have just been crying all day.

I am also finding it hard being here on my own all the time and watching other parents here together.  I am starting to feel lonely but at the same time I don’t really feel that I want any visitors.  I don’t knwo what is wrong with me!

Esther is supposed to be awake for a feed right now but is sound asleep.  Caroline and I have agreed to let her go until 12 o’clock (4 hours) if she does not wake before then we will wake her and put her to the breast.  We need to try and move them on, for my sake (and sanity!) as much as theirs.

I just want to take them home!  The last 10 weeks are starting to take their toll and I am scared that I am not coping very well at all.

I need to buy a notebook / diary to use when we go home.  I need to note: time of each feed; length of feed; what was eaten; amount consumed; time and duration of naps; time medication given.

Esther woke for her feed at 11.30am.  She has a good feed with me and then a half top up through her tube.  Then William also woke up for his second feed.  He also did well and had a half top up.  So far so good today!

The doctors are pleased with both babies.  They just need to sort their feeding now.  Dr Shah recommends trying them at the breast as much as possible. 

David came to see us at lunch time.  I was so pleased to see him.  I love him so so much.  He is coming back at 6.30pm to help give William his first bath.  How exciting!  A first bath!

Have expressed twice today and I am only doing small amounts so that I am full enough for feeds.  I hope this transitional phase does not affect my milk supply.

Esther had a third feed at 3pm.  She seemed to feed well and had a half top up but then she was wide awake for ages afterwards.  I put her to the breast again which soothed her but she was not hungry.  Once I realised this I put her back in the cot so that she does not get into the habit of coming to the breast for comfort rather than for food.

At 6.30pm, after visits from Mary, Clare and Sujo, William had his very first bath.  David did most of it.  I watched and helped with washing.  First David held him over the bath to wash his hair and face, and then held him in the deep warm bath while I washed him and splashed the water over him.  William loved it!  He was so relaxed and looked like he could have stayed there all day.  He did not like getting out!

After William was dried and dressed I tried to feed both twins together using my special cushion but it dodn’t work very well at all.  So Esther had 10 minutes on the breast with a 3/4 top up then Willliam had a full breastfeed and a half top up. 

Tomorrow we are going to try demand feeding with Esther. 

David and I left at about 8.15pm to take delivery of our shopping.  We had pizza for tea and went to bed early.


About willest

Very proud 34 year old Mum of twins William and Esther, born on 24th July 2010 at 27 weeks and 3 days
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