If you are a Mummy or Daddy of twins, please read this post and if you can, please reply.
Esther and William are now nearly 7 months old. They are good babies on the whole though William can be quite easy to upset and hard to settle sometimes. At the moment they are both teething and we are 2 days in to their first ever cold. I am trying so hard to be a good Mum but even with the support of my work from home partner I am still finding it incredibly hard. I was wondering if anyone had any ideas for making things easier?
This week is particularly bad because of the illness and teething but I often find myself exhausted with too much to do and wondering what I can do to make this work.
I love my children dearly and I want to do right by them but increasingly I am feeling that I just don’t know how.
We have had a hard start to parenting, David and I. The twins’ arrived early after major abdominal surgery for me, from which I am not sure I have ever really recovered physically or emotionally. 59 days in NICU also took their toll and though it is wonderful having our babies home now it has been lonely through the winter months as we have tried our best to protect them from infection and diseaase. And winter is not over yet!
I know I am sounding desperate and I don’t mean to. I know that after 5 cycles of IVF I really am the luckiest girl in the world to have two beautiful babies, a boy and a girl, our family could be complete. I am grateful and I count my blessings every day but I do not feel that I am appreciating the babies or motherhood as I should. I don’t feel that I ever have the time.
I envy mothers of single babies and think how much easier life must be with one. How you can meet one child’s needs, hug them as soon as they cry and hold them as long as they need. I feel that I am cutting myself in two and always feel that one babies’ needs are not being met. William is so ill at the moment he should be in my arms all the time but Esther needs me too and she does not complain so quiet and good natured is she, but I am aware and I feel torn. Why can I not be a good enough mother for two?
And I am not alone by any means. David is home most days but he is trying to run his business. I feel so guilty taking up his time but we need him every day, he feels guilty if he does not help, but he is also impatient to be focusing on his work.
On a good day I am fine alone and I enjoy being Mummy, on a difficult day I struggle but I still enjoy the challenges that being a Mummy brings, on a bad day it is awful and I often end up in tears.
Today is one of those days. Even David, the calm one, is frustrated today as he is getting nothing done. He wants me to get help. With the babies, with the house, help?
It is 21.45 and we have only just got both babies to sleep. We have had dinner but I cannot easily get in or out of the lounge because of baby stuff, David is still working at his computer and I am about to drink yet another cold cup of tea. My airing cupboard is full of damp washing that needs sorting and the bathroom is full of more washing to do. We are not unpacked from last weekend away and the babies are being fed from packets and jars. I am about to eat my fifth cereal bar of the day. Trying to lose weight is just not going to work!
I thought long and hard about posting this. I am hoping that someone will read it who will know what we should do.
I want to enjoy my children. Have time to play with them. I want to wake up from a whole nights sleep feeling like I could take on the world. I used to feel like that once.
We do have good days. We have good moments in most days but dark dark shadows loom over them. We laugh together, we play, we read and we sing. We cuddle and we chat. I know that I am a good Mum, a potentially excellent one I am just scared that right now I am losing my way.
When I was pregnant I imagined the singing, the stories, wearing a baby round the house, walks to the park, coffee with friends, baby groups and classes, making friends with other new Mums …
As it is I will go to bed in a minute, the house still a mess, the washing undone, I will wake through the night to feed and in the morning this will start all over again and before we know it it will be bath time. I will probably have spoken to no one apart from increasingly short exchanges with David about how we need help!
If you are reading this and you are a parent of twins please please let me know how you make it work because I want to make this family a happy one. Please point us in the right direction.